Access Denied

Well it’s February 13th, Valentine’s Day Eve. Many people are looking forward to the 14th. They wonder what are their spouses or significant others  going to buy them? They wonder do they have a secret admirer? Some wonder will their boyfriends pop the question? In contrast, others are dreading Valentine’s Day. They don’t have anyone and they are tired of being alone. Some may even feel tortured at how many selfies they will see on social media outlets. How many commercials  and even movie previews they are going to see with the imagery of a happy couple? But for me, Valentine’s Day is just a regular day.  I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything because I’m not married, dating, or even have a potential prospect.  Honestly, I didn’t always feel this way, Close to 3 years ago the Lord told me to stop opening myself to what I saw as potential in a guy, because I would continue being disappointed.  There was a guy that I was interested in and he and I had been “talking” for almost 9 months. I had feelings for this guy long before he and I actually began texting, talking, and spending some time together.  To be honest, I pursued this guy. I wrote him a letter revealing to him that I really liked him and that I wanted to get to know him better. I cringe  now when I think about that day. I was so uncomfortable and  uneasy. I just thought it was fear. But looking back on it, I actually regret my actions on that day. Not because the guy was a bad guy, He wasn’t.  But it was a desperate move on my part.  I would conveniently place myself in this guy’s path whenever I could. I would hold conversation with this guy as often as I could. To me, this guy was professional, attentive, personable, intelligent, handsome,  and stable because he had been with his job for over a decade, drove a nice car, and lived in a nice apartment complex that he had been living in for a number of years.  I observed this guy. I never saw him lusting with his eyes when he saw other women. He was so respectful. I thought I hit the jackpot. I just wanted him to notice me, so I could convince him that I was a good woman.   So one day, the opportunity presented itself and after liking this guy for 2 years literally, he finally came around. Of course, I told him I was abstinent, I asked him did he have a relationship with God? He said he believed in God. I know, that’s not the same thing but at that time it was a go for me. He seemed very interested in me and I was on cloud nine. He never tried to seduce me.  I never compromised my abstinence and we didn’t even kiss. Now that was hard because Lord knows I wanted to. I did everything right and by the book. (The bible). But yet, before the 9th month came, we had a coversation, he misunderstood something I said. Then he didn’t speak to me for 5 days. When I approached him and asked what was going on I found out through text that he was upset with me, but never told me.  I was hurt because I knew deep down inside he was giving me the silent treatment. So I apologized. But the following day, he text me and said he apologized and I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and that things were getting complicated and we should just be friends. That was the last time I’d heard from him. No more texts and no more phone calls. It’s like he dropped off the face of the Earth. I thought to myself, ok he just needs some space. But nope, that was the end. I was devastated. Even though there was no physical contact, emotionally I was deeply attached. I remember, the Lord spoke to my spirit one day and asked me how long was I going to grieve? I was annoyed because to me that was cold. I said I don’t understand why this happened. You told me to trust You. He said, Yes I did tell you to trust Me, but I wasn’t talking about him. You assumed that I was. Ouch! Then He said, you are a wife. I was confused. I was like how is that when every guy I’ve had in my life has left me? He said they left because I had them to. They were not your husband. So after I argued with the Lord as to why He was wrong about me being a wife…. Yeah I know. I had some nerve, huh? He plainly told me that I needed to stop doing what I was doing or else I would continue to be disappointed : Trying to get a guy to notice me. Trying to prove to a guy I was a good woman. Auditioning for a role in a guy’s life when he hadn’t even stated  that he wanted to have a significant other.  God started revealing some painful things in me. He revealed to me that I didn’t think I was good enough, (looks, personality, intelligence, etc.) I didn’t feel that I had anything within me that stood out  from other people. Yes, I was abstinent, but so are  other people.  I internalized every situation that ended with someone walking away or not wanting to deal with me anymore. I always felt it was my fault and that I did something wrong. Yes, we are to hold ourselves accountable and try to resolve things but what I was doing was harmful to myself and how I saw myself. I felt that I didn’t have “it”. Whatever it was that kept a guy interested I believed I didn’t possess it. This was one of the reasons why I chose to be abstinent to protect and shield myself, as well as honor God with my body. God is still dealing with me about some things even now. Even though I have been prophesied to concerning a husband, and one person even shared with me a dream they had about me and my husband, I know there’s still some more things that need to come off of me before we meet and I eventually  say I do. I hope everyone who reads this understands that our process is a part of life for many different areas in our lives.  I will continue working through what God reveals to me about me. So for now, when it comes to guys it’s access denied.  I would rather continue to wait for what God says is mine, than to settle for someone who could very well be a snare from Satan.  To whoever reads this,  remain watchful and vigilant. I hope this blesses someone.

6 thoughts on “Access Denied

  1. Hey Monica, I understand u better now on why u are single and all that.I guess when you prayed to God to help u and he sends help it is different is when I say you I mean me because I was the same way but God saw something in me to change me and he sent someone to help me .

  2. This was a blessing to my soul Monica and doe our situations are different. I can relate to the personal things concerning myself. It took God years, 13 to be exact to get my self esteem where it needed to be and after crossing paths with a counterfeit (because the enemy Always send them 1st)! What took me years to receive and what took the individual months/a year to even meet face to face had me right back to a place of self doubt! Monica I was so focused that No guy and I mean to guy could distract me from my purpose. So the enemy came in a place of my passion and that’s seeing a need, not want and allowing myself to be available to help to rescue the individuals in need with no partiality. Even Now I’m coming back stronger then Ever from the blows and injuries I have endured in this walk. I’m a wife and have known that for a while now and no matter the mistakes I have made out of a pure heart. God won’t allow me to settle. Compromise I have, but settle He just won’t even if I wanted to(which I didn’t). And I’m Greatful about it. So thank you for this, it’s right on time. The devil tried to magnify this day today like I was missing out on some special memory from last year. What a liar he will Always be! Last year I was in a relationship with someone but the Only memory we shared then, was him sending me a picture of him and I wishing me a speedy recovery from my surgery that I had in January. Now that was and still is a special memory (a memory of coming through the surgery and recovery from it on This day)! And the picture I deleted so God was looking out even then so it wouldn’t be a memory of mine today. But truthfully this was a blessing to my soul and very much needed on today. Blessings to you and on you.

    • I’m really glad this blessed you Rrnetta. I’m glad you were able to relate to my story and gain something meaningful out of it. Counterfeits are distractions sent from hell that can go from getting us off purpose, to breaking our hearts, and sadly even in some cases taking our lives. God will reveal what’s hidden only when we ask and receive what He shows us. Blessings to you as well.

  3. I feel Ike I am looking in the mirror as I read this. Every thing you have described is me to a T! At the age of 45, with no children, and never been married, I am beginning to feel that is not going to happen for me. I am practicing abstinence (5 years and counting) because like you I want to honor God with my body. I just ended something a couple weeks ago with a man that I had been talking to for a couple of months. You could not tell me that he was not for me AND he pursued me. All was going wel and then an argument ensued and here I am AGAIN alone. Immediately I thought, Lord why me – what is wrong with me- why does this keep happening to me. At one point I felt that God was punishing me for past sins and got a kick out of seeing me cry over broken relationships. Valentines Day was a bit hard because I thought my “friend” and I would be together. Boy was I wrong. Do I like the status of being single? NO!! But Paul instructs us to learn to be content (not happy 😃) in the state that you are in. So I will be like Job and wait until my change comes. Thank you for the article. It was helpful for my present situation.

    • Hello, Patiently Waiting. I’m glad that this was relatable to you. Often when I write, I feel as if many won’t get it, but I’m reminded that it’s not about a lot of people getting it, but at least one person will. I do understand how it seems that it will never happen. The husband, the children, the kingdom marriage, but I’m learning that we as singles have to divert our focus. God isn’t punishing us but protecting us. I have read news articles of women who were Christian that were murdered by their husbands. These husbands were counterfeit and sent from the enemy. One story I saw last month I believe was about Tanisha Harris. She was a minster at a church and her husband was also a minister, but yet he murdered her. See, the enemy will come as what we think is God and if we aren’t discerning and if we allow what we “feel” to get in our way, we could potentially become a statistic. I don’t want that for anyone. So continue to honor the Lord and He will place who He has for you to find you. He will orchestrate it all. Just remain obedient. God bless you and thanks for your response.

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