There Will Be Struggle, Even When it’s God’s Promise

So for the past few days, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, which I do a lot. I was thinking about last year and how God began to deal with me  about our relationship. I remember I was emotionally disturbed after having someone I cared for walk out of my life. All I kept asking myself was what did I do wrong? I analyzed everything from beginning to end without any answers. I remember God speaking to my spirit asking me, How long was I going to grieve? I thought to myself, that was harsh. I just remained quiet. Then inwardly, I heard, You internalize too much. Everybody that leaves your life , doesn’t leave because you did something wrong.  I wasn’t feeling any of this and I didn’t want to hear it. I was hurting inside. Even though Holy Spirit gave me a “heads up” that this person wasn’t going to be in my life too much longer, I just figured I would give them a little space. Space always works right? Wrong. It doesn’t. Especially when God is the One removing the person. The person wasn’t bad or disrespectful, but this person had no real relationship with God. Believing in God, doesn’t equal having a relationship with Him. I remember I finally started asking God questions. Asking Him why did He make me the way I am? Why do I value people so much and relationships with them. Why is it when it ends they can go on with their life but I’m just left crying and it takes me a long time to get over what has happened. Why do I care so much? Why is it that in the past I’ve treated guys that were in my life like they were my husband? I wasn’t ready for the answer I heard. Because you are a wife. What? Not me? How is  that? I’ve never even had a successful relationship with anyone I’ve ever been involved with. I’m not good enough, or pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I don’t have it all together. Then I heard, I have someone for you. I was like  No, God. Seriously I’m good. I’m done. I’m getting too old to have guys come and go out of my life.  It can just be me and you for the rest of my life. I’m good. God told me, Don’t say that. I have someone for you. But He gave me some instructions that I have to follow. There are some days, I wonder does he even exist and if it’s possible for that to even happen for me? I’ve always been that girl that was an option or a rebound. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice. I’ve always been that girl that guys would just want to see what they can get and because of how I use to be, they would get what they wanted and then they would leave. I thought the lies that I heard was love. I thought the heartaches I experienced was normal. I thought the sex I had was because they wanted a relationship. But after going through years of this, God had to shake me and let me know that’s not love. Only lust. I’ve never been loved before. By God yes. By a man, no. There’s sometimes I look at the guys at my job and I’m disgusted by the things that comes out of their mouth. The lust in their eyes. How women aren’t anything special to them. Just throw a few lines here and there and see how it goes. There are times I’ve contemplated being celibate. No marriage, and no sex ever again. Sometimes I wonder why is it that God spoke this to me. For years I idolized marriage, having a husband and children but I’ve never had it. I’m almost 39 and there are no prospects in sight. I have no guy friends. I don’t go out on dates and I honestly don’t want to. Many times, people have their own “ideal” person and when you don’t fit that mold, and they see it they don’t want to have anything to do with you. Or sometimes you may come across people that have been hurt a lot and they are suspicious of everyone and they let no one in. Even though they say that want to have love, marriage and children. Because they won’t deal with themselves, they end up sabotaging any potential long term relationship because they never forgave those people they had their hope in. I don’t want to live like that. Even though I have been hurt a lot. I don’t want to be bitter. At one point in time, I was. That didn’t help me at all, and because of my bitterness I couldn’t see clearly and I still ended up getting involved with emotionally unavailable people that couldn’t give me what I was looking for. Mainly because they didn’t know who they were and neither did I. They had their own issues that they needed to resolve within themselves. It doesn’t help anyone to point the finger at people from their past and say if they wouldn’t have done this, I wouldn’t be this way. I struggle within myself from day to day. Mainly because I don’t want to treat this person like I’ve been treated. I don’t want to be in so much disbelief that someone could actually care and love me that I try to make them pay for what others did to me. There is struggle in this promise. But I know I have to trust God because He can’t lie. Just because I’ve never experienced something, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. I had to forgive myself for the role I played in my hurts. I was partially responsible and I had to forgive them. I had to release every hurtful word and action that was done. I had to stop analyzing and stop tying what they did, to my worth. My value doesn’t decrease because someone wasn’t able to see it. A lot of times people project onto you their personal demons because they don’t know they need deliverance. They believe their behavior is just them being them. But I want to encourage someone today that no matter what God has promised you. Even though it seems like it’s never going to happen or you will always be where you are. That’s not true. He who has begun a good work in you, shall perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. If we are willing and obedient we will eat the good of the land. Just remain obedient to whatever the Lord has told you. He will not put you to shame. God bless you!