From Resentment To Contentment

I can remember ever since I was  a pre-teen I  fantasized and  visualized about marriage, wondering who I would end up marrying and what our children would look like.  I wasn’t focused on the here and now. I found myself thinking about the future a lot.  When I was about 17, marriage and children was all I thought about. I told myself by 25 I would be married and by 27 we would have children. Yet here I am at 37 about to be 38 and I don’t even have a significant other in my life. But yet now, even though I’m older I don’t focus on that anymore. What changed? What happened you may ask? Life happened. The wrong mindset led me down a pathway that I never thought I would be on.  The wisdom that I now have of course I pay homage to God for , but also I learned through costly experiences. I learned through brokenness, unrealistic expectations, desperation, loneliness, low self-esteem and sexual immorality. Initially, I always planned on saving myself for my husband. I had it all planned out in my head in middle school. I wasn’t going to be having sex. I thought guys don’t really pay me any attention anyway. It would be a piece of cake. Boy, was I wrong. So very wrong.  There were some factors that influenced the choices I made. The main thing was how badly I was picked on in middle and high school. In high school, it was much worse. Also, many of my peers were having sex and I falsely thought because I was infatuated with this one guy who at the time I thought I loved, that would be my way of showing it. Of course, also he was asking me about it and telling me he loved me, so I believed him. That choice opened up the door to a misconstrued view of relationships. Not to mention that he cheated on me a lot and my self- esteem went way down. I would always take him back. There is nothing as bad as being soul-tied to someone who doesn’t love or respect you, but it’s even worse when you are a child. At the time, I was like I was doing what everyone else was, but I felt horrible. Emotionally, I was confused and hurt. I kept wondering why was he doing this to me? We went back and forth for a few years, but then we both got tired and let each other go. I found myself repeating the same bad choices. I was in a downward spiral. Treating every guy that I was involved with like he was my husband. Thinking that selling myself short or trading my body in exchange to receive love would get me somewhere. I got my validation from guys, and from what they showed me, I was nothing and nobody special. After a while I started to hate guys. I hated how they would lie and use me and then throw me away like trash. I struggled with sexual immorality for a long time, even after receiving Christ.  But after the last time I sold myself short I made a vow to God that I would be abstinent. I tried before to be abstinent , but I  ended up falling short because I was trying to do it in my own power and also I became prideful. But when I asked the Lord to keep me and I stopped putting myself in compromising situations, things started to change. I started seeing myself differently. I still struggle from time to time with insecurities every now and then but in some way God always lets me know I matter and that I’m loved by Him. I stopped obsessing about marriage at age 35. It never got me anywhere, and it just showed God that I wasn’t ready. My reasons for wanting to be married were all  wrong anyway. I was still very much immature.  God started showing me this about myself. He started showing me that even though I was now pure in my body, my mind had to be renewed. That for one thing I was doing too much for guys. I was trying to show a guy that I was a good woman by trying to do everything he wanted, But this made me his fool. It didn’t make him want to be with me, nor respect me. He told me I had to love myself unconditionally. That even though those guys walked away, it was for the best. God is still revealing things to me about myself. I can honestly say that now at 37 I’m content. I’m just curious about what is He going to do with my life. Most of the time, I’m alone and I’m ok with that. It doesn’t mean that I’m defective or I just have so many issues that no one wants to be around me. But at this time now the Lord wants me to Himself and I am willing to allow that. I’ve learned that if I try to rush the process, I will only get my heart bruised.  Even if I don’t give away my body, it is not time for me to awaken love.  It’s not for me to go out looking for someone or trying to get someone to notice me.I know what season I am in. Even though there are ppl around me and on Facebook that are getting married, engaged and having children, I just know it’s not my time yet. I am accepting my singleness but I am not defined by it. The Lord knows that if I never got married I would be ok with it. I’ve made peace about it.  He hasn’t told me never, but for me I know that marriage and love is not about me, but it is about Him.  How many ways, I can allow Him to be revealed in that union. But for now, it’s just us two. <3